At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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