Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?