I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's allergic to latex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up