it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.