He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
