i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.