thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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