The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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