The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You pole danced in your parka.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
