He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
