I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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