my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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