I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
