I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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