Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
