the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
