I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
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It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.