i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?