WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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