my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
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when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS