and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie