The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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