im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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