I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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