well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
