I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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