a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Your youporn search history says otherwise.