I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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