Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.