Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.