I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm just so full of love and alcohol