LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
