You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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