i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize