I just saw a hot homeless man
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
