please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.