he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same