Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.