2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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