I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
