Cold hands, warm shart.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
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I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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