I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
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Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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