I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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