My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
