A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.