Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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