How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
