and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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