I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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