So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
