Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
