I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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