sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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