I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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