Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
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we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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