Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.