Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome