So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby