These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.