I just pynch a tree in the face
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.