so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher