Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing